There's a time for everything

I have decided that no one really visits my blog anymore so I won’t bother with pictures anymore.

There will be many times this year where I will doubt my leadership abilities, and today is one of those days. I wish I have the talent of foresight, or the confidence to know the right things to do. Unfortunately I don’t have any of those. And so I grope a little in the dark, and sometimes set ripples to the calm river with my clumsy steps. Still I can’t wish to turn back now.

I am in the middle of what I would call an adulthood crisis. I am on the verge of turning 21 and that future, quite frankly, seems a little scary to me. All the things that I ever wanted to do, I used to be able to delay doing them. Get thrown in the middle of the sea? No problem! Travel around the world? Sure! Manage my own meals? Come at me, brah! – when I grow up!

That’s the problem right there.

I am grown up.

Or at least, I will be in a couple of months.

Things have to start moving now.

And I’m not ready.

I spent most of my childhood picturing what this moment would be like. I imagined future me as a heroine. I thought I would be this cool, athletic smart-alec. Okay I exaggerated my imagination. But I at least imagined I would know what to do by the time I am “grown up”. I expect I would at least know what my life goals are and how to get there.

Instead, I don’t even know what to eat for lunch tomorrow.

I went to Melbourne last summer for a brief summer job and witnessed my friends working in their respective workplaces. I listened to their stories and their complaints. And though I laughed at their comical stories, I also wondered why they put up with the less pleasant aspects of their jobs. But mostly I also admired their perseverance and knew that if it were me, I wouldn’t last. 

So as I spent my time putting photographs into little plastic bags at my job, I wondered what kind of a worker I am. I guess I wouldn’t know. But my father gave me a pretty good idea on what kind of an employee I would like to be. In one of our random chatters, he said a good employee is not one who can work, but one who can contribute. 

In my moments of doubt, many have directly and indirectly risen up to the occasion to try and give me an answer. I thank God for that. But perhaps it is time I stop looking so hard. Maybe someday this year I will learn to stop depending so hard on others, and start depending on the one thing that actually matters.

The future is perpetually scary.

It is intangible, unpredictable, and far too flexible. I once admitted to a friend that one of my greatest fears is everyone walking out of my life. 

Perhaps in order to prepare for the future, I have to learn to let go; no matter how scary it is, regardless of how difficult it may be and how many times I may fail in trying. 

It’s time to grow up.

It’s time to buck up.