Change

I have never really been good with changes.

I suppose it will be safe to say that I am content with status quo. I don’t like things to change once I’ve got used to it. I don’t like to leave a place where I’ve found a sense of belonging. I didn’t want to leave KY when I got the scholarship. I didn’t want to leave Casa Subang when I was asked to relocate. And I definitely didn’t want to hand in my termination form for Sun-U Residence when I’ve not even lived there for 2 weeks!

All these changes are, inevitably, followed by a minor sense of loss. I always feel that something vital is left behind whenever something changes and so, to help me cope, I often spend the first few days after a change trying to grab and recover whatever is left. I spent my Raya in Terengganu with Esther last year because I hoped to not forget the friends that I have made in KY. I went back to Casa for cell group because I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my Casa Subang mates.

Yet very often, after a few weeks of groping in the dark and readjusting, I get used to the new surroundings and things get back to normal again. I complained about the sad state of our living room couches but I fell asleep on one of them for 5 hours and woke up without a back pain. I complained about the smell of the toilet that enters my room (because my room is right opposite the toilet) but… well, I haven’t yet found an optimistic view for that besides having the opportunity to criticize my roommate’s extremely sensitive nose because she always detects the smell before I do. Without a doubt, where I am staying now, I get more work done because (Praise the Lord!) I have a big study table and shelves. I no longer have to squeeze with 6 other housemates on a dining table meant for four to do my work. I get more laundry done too, thanks to mankind’s brilliant creation of a washing machine.

The fact is that, maybe some things are meant to change. Perhaps some things will get better if they have changed. Maybe Sarawak will change for the better if a change happens in this state election. We all like to keep some things constant – it’s human nature to resist change – but I think we will never know what is better until we are willing to move away from our comfort zone. Then perhaps we will realize that we have never really been comfortable after all in that old position.

Amanda, in reply to early lamentations about my relocation, sent her sympathy but assured me that “even if you don’t get the best things, you will always make the best out of what you have.” In relation to our nation’s current events, I think that while it is good that we can make the best out of what have been given to us, how come none ever stop to wonder: why don’t I deserve better?

People often tell me that at my age, a lot of changes are going to take place. Despite the numerous amounts of changes that have occurred in my life thus far, I am still not used to the process. However, in the midst of it all, I have realized this: changes are not always bad. Sure, we are afraid that things may take a turn for the worse, but if we don’t take a chance, we will never know if things could have been better. I don’t believe that mistakes cannot be repaired. If the Middle East can change their faces of politics, I don’t think a lot of things are impossible anymore. Besides, with God, I have come to believe that nothing will ever be too unlikely – like praying for the rain to stop and seeing it really stopping before my very eyes. Therefore, probably for the first time, I will pray for a change.