When irrationality is rational

I think it is high time I come up with… wait for it…

My very first emo post.

Yea, you read that right. I don’t think I have ever written an emo post before – not even when I nearly flunked my Add Math in 2008.

But I think there has to be a time where optimism and rationality have to take a back seat so that my poor trampled heart can heal a little faster. (okay, that was an exaggeration but still)

So what I would really like to do now is to throw my hands up in the air (no, NOT to say AYO, baby let’s go) and possibly show the skies my inferior looking fists and shout profanities in my conscience, blaming the seas, the clouds and the winds for, I don’t know, the friction they contribute that makes life harder for me when I walk down the streets.

Or maybe I should try the famous “I like to walk in the rain because no one would see when I cry” move. But it’s global warming and I’m already melting in my room. Darn. The mood isn’t even there so perhaps the next best alternative is to ransack my roommate’s belongings while she’s off watching Hongkie dramas and search for eyemo and be gone with that. For, you know, artificial tears because real tears are hard to conjure without the emo rain scenario. Can’t cry in the rain if there ain’t no rain!

I think anything irrational would have been better than self-battering. Sometimes, irrationality is just perhaps the best move anyone can take. And considering the circumstances, irrational actions like biting the head off my teddy bear (I can already see the happy faces of my housemates who, I do not know why, have a certain… shall we say distaste – haha! – for my blue bear) would be more rational than say, sitting in one corner and brood and do some self-reflection.

So my marks suck. But today, when I went back to Casa and bought ramly burger from a roadside burger stall, I saw an iPad and iPhone on their tables. Say what!? These are people who operate a roadside burger stall and they’ve got Apple products. Like, what?! On the other hand, I have a RM 78 handphone. =.=”

And thus I say to myself then: life ain’t so hopeless after all. If I can make a living out of operating a roadside stall and be able to afford Apple products, dang, that’s sweet enough. But then again, I don’t think the day will come when I can be satisfied with just a roadside stall. It’s not what I’ve worked to be and definitely not what my parents and friends would expect of me (despite them knowing that my dream all these while has been to be a kolo mee or char kueh tiaw seller :P).

I just realize that this is so not an emo post. I guess I’ll just save that honour for some other future emo moment.

The thing is that as much as I would love to sit and brood and shake my fists at life and fate, I can’t ever dismiss the little conscience in my head which I now both love and hate. At the end of the day, all I can do to comfort myself is mayhaps just to put my fingers together and pray and believe that God has another plan for me here in Subang if *touch wood* going abroad is not meant to be. I mean, when it comes to a point where the damage is done, what else is there to hang on to but faith?